| suck it down, suck it up |
[Wednesday
July 1st, 2009 2:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
i'm doing nothing at work. i like my job, and i like how it benefits my own pets. but i need to be making more money at this point in my life. i'm tired of barely getting by. i feel like i'm too old and have too many responsibilities to be struggling. plus the jeep is pretty much beat so i'll need to be making payments on a newer jeep-granted i find one.
so much has changed. i'm finally over parts of my life that i needed to be over. i realized you were never there for me, nor will you ever be. what was i too you? i'll never know. but to be honest, for the first time, i don't care. because that part of my life is over. and i'm done giving you the benefit of every doubt. i'm done being nice when you talk to me. done caring if you talk to me. done talking to you. i don't want to. for the first time. and it feels so good. because there was no point, so all my efforts were a waste. no more wasted time on you. and it feels so good. and i hope you regret it. because hopefully that will mean you're growing up. and hopefully you'll feel all the hurt you've ever made me feel. because you need a slap in the face.
i need to better accept that some people just aren't good. and i can't change that. and that's ok.
for what feels like the first time as far as i can remember, i'm content. i love how things are going. could i be a little more responsible and a little less lazy, yes. but i'm still young. and i need to enjoy it. i need to make up for lost time. i might be starting a little late but i'm enjoying myself. turing 21 i feel like i have expectations to live up to. but fuck that. there's not enough time. i'm still younger than i believe i am. still younger than i let myself be. i'm trying. i love where i live. i'm happy in our apartment. i'm living with two of the best people. and i love them. and they are becoming my best friends. i've chilled out a lot and i owe it to them. i owe a lot of good feelings to them. and i'm lucky enough to have one of them as my boyfriend. i'm in love again. i never thought it would happen. i was sure there was no one out there for me. but i've found the type of person i've been looking for. and he's so good. and he makes me so happy. i feel so close to him like i've known him forever. when in reality it's been such a sort amount of time. but it feels right. i hope this is something i don't lose, ever. because then i think i'll just finally give up.
i do miss my family. i wish they were close by every day. i want to have a good relationship with my brother and sister but it isn't happening. but i've gotten really close to my mom, and i like that. my grandparents are getting old and sick and it scares me. and i hate being so far from my grandma because i can't even describe the love i have for her. she's amazing. i'm still hostile towards my dad though. i have this feeling our relationship will never change. sometimes it hurts. but sometimes i just don't care. deep down i love him because he is my father and he isn't that bad. but sometimes i hate him for how bad he always makes me feel. we'll always be at each others throats. i'm too much like him to not fight with him. i'm not worried about it. i miss katherine. i wish i could hang out with her always. i don't need or want tons of friends. i'm fine with who i have. i can count four really good friends and that's it. and that's ok. but still no one will ever get me like she does. sometimes i'll be hanging out here and i'll feel like i just don't belong. like i don't matter. i never once felt that way back home. hanging out in massapequa with everyone. i just fit. but here, i always feel like i'm outside of something. or i feel i'll make an effort to be friends with more people but it's like no one cars. sometimes i feel like people look at me like i have five heads. and it feels lonely. if katherine was around, i would never feel like that. eric seems to get me, but it's always nice to have a chick around to hang out with. you are eight hours away from me and i hate it all the time. and michael's awesome, but he's always busy. and cheri, you are ten hours from me and i'm going to miss you so much. and i regret all the time we could have spent hanging out but didn't because i flaked, always. i always mess up. and it's always with important things. and i hate that i let our friendship sit on a shelf for the last two months of you being around. because you never judged me. and we laughed. and you were there. and you ARE a good friend. and you've become one of my best friends. only now you are far. and now i regret so much. and now i wonder if we'll ever live close to each other again and get our friendship back to where it was or better. still, i wish i had a good friend to hang out with around here, even if only sometimes. and i girl. i can never make friends with girls. maybe i just shouldn't care. it's just hard when my two best friends live hours away. and my two best friends live with me and are dudes. i wonder if this makes any sense. to me it does.
aside from a few little things that need improving, things are alright. and they'll be great once i get serious about those little things and do it and stick to it.
it's going to be a good summer.
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| Unsettling. |
[Sunday
May 17th, 2009 1:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Uneasy |
] |
So much has happened.
Push it down.
Push it to the past.
Still can't believe it.
This is a new start, I guess.
Fear of going in circles.
Fear of everything turning out to be the same.
It's all I know.
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| It burns so bright |
[Sunday
March 8th, 2009 3:02am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Jimmy Hendrix |
] |
Some nights, you just want to sleep with a light on
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| ! |
[Tuesday
March 3rd, 2009 12:59am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Crawling out of my skin |
] |
Fuck this
|
|
|
| We sing along to these songs |
[Friday
February 13th, 2009 8:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
This music reminds me of the way things used to be.
The feeling it gives me, only I can know that feeling because I was there.
Those songs that hit you...they feel so good.
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| Thoughts |
[Friday
January 30th, 2009 10:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Brand new |
] |
I looked at you one last time and felt nothing.
I felt for what we were
And I felt for things being gone.
I felt for the fact that I had to let go.
Felt for feeling like I gave up on something; someone.
But for the most part, nothing.
Just a waste of time.
If there were things to regret, I'd say losing myself entirely.
I'd say I've always been growing up way too fast.
I'd say missing time with my family and how long it's taken me to figure out the worth of certain things.
I'd say wanting to be able to hang out with my younger brother and sister but being too far away to do so whenever I feel like it.
Would the drive for these things exist if it was so easily accessable to me. Or is it better to stay so far to keep those feelings. Keep them so I never get back to where I was. So I never want to escape from my family and my true home again. Or maybe now that I realize the things that I do, would it be easier to be closer. Sometimes I want to go back before it's too late. Family, when it comes down to it, is all you really have. I spent so much time on negative feelings that all I want to do is make up for lost time. But at the same time, I have a place to call my own. Sometimes I like my responsibilities and my independence. This is my place. I'm doing this on my own. But when you look at it, although it provides a good feeling, what feeling is better. And what is worth more. When is it time to just go back. My roots, my heart, my family is in New York. But my own life is in Maryland. I can't take my home out of my heart but I'm too stubborn to walk away from something that is mine.
In my head, there's always two sides to everything. It's not easy.
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| . |
[Thursday
January 22nd, 2009 5:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
Lost
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| I'm bored at work. |
[Monday
December 22nd, 2008 1:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Crappy |
] |
Your rainbow is strongly shaded green. What is says about you: You are an intelligent person. You feel strong ties to nature and your mood changes with its cycles. Those around you admire your fresh outlook and vitality. Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.
Sounds about right I guess..?
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| Your dream vacation |
[Friday
December 12th, 2008 10:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Used - Pretty handsome awkward |
] |
There is no good left in this.
But letting go is so hard.
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revennant's journal
